i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
