just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
