True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's never too late to be topless.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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