I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
