i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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