Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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