I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize