did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
