I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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