i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
