my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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