Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
