tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
