Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just cropdusted the office
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
