Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
