Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
