i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cockslap morals
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
