Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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