i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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