Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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