i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
