I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize