FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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