just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
