Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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