Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
