question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
