im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
