I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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