i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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