There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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