Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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