The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
