She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
