I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
