"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
