In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
