I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
