I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
