Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
