im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
