im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
