My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
