I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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