I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
