Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Randomize
