Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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