Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
