and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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