They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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