You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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