Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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