im drinking this country out of the recession.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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