the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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