things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
