Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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