i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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