I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
